The only thing I can do fairly easily, is get out of bed, pull on some clothes, go to the drive through and go to work.  

Now, I haven't done those things.  I have gotten out of bed, ate a muffin with some soy milk, put on my exercise clothes and go to the gym for 30 min.  Roll up to the Dairy Queen and order some cheese curds.  Come home and make salads, pack my dinner.  Shower, change clothes, take things out of the dryer and get to work on time. I did all of this in the span of 2 hours.

I had a hard time waking up today as I have all week.  My body is stiff and achy for some reason.  Probably the cold.  I just need to maybe do my yoga even though it hurts.

I just walked 4miles.  I walked it in 2 hours.  Eating Pho and crab rangoon.  I am stuffed. 

I've been thinking about bordom and how we try to always make it go away.  We always have the internet at hand.  Always something to distract ourselves even when just going for a walk or even eating.

Doing any self care is just boring and unexciting even though it is necissary.

How Many Ways Can I Fit To Make You See Me

I'm starting a series of art.  It's naked female forms of women as various things.  I'm thinking I could expand upon this.  Women are often viewed as objects.  But everyone is often viewed as such.  People can view other people as a means to and end.  That is not a good feeling if you never consented to that and instead one day you wake up realize that you have been that to someone.

We can also be that and having decided that that is what we are worth.  It can be due to a toxic way of being.  We can't be everything to everyone nor should we. 

If our needs are not being met after we have said what they are and have been honest to ourselves about what they are, then we have to someone who meets them.

From The Desk Of

I don't know why I'm writing to you.  Yeah, I do.  I've become greatly self aware of my own actions.  I don't know what happened.  Maybe it has been the therapy sessions that have finally clicked.  Yeah, I'm still in therapy from time to time.

I've taken up mediation.  It really works, sitting and seeing all of these things in my mind.

I got robbed in early October.  I can't believe it happened still, but slowly I'm understanding why it happens.  I'm slowly starting to feel less afraid of the dark.  I still love my neighborhood.  Though, after someone shattered my windshield, I'm starting to feel like some kind of numbness to it all. 

I moved here because I got inspired by Crimethinc and basically I would call it gentrification now.  But these punk kids would squat or buy some old run down building and make a commune.  I wanted that.  But now I just see myself as everyone else in this neighborhood; the working poor.  There's no nobility in any of this.  This is just life.  We're living in the cast off neighborhoods of the White Flight.  Beautiful homes, but not a damned penny to be able to fix them.  Then our neighborhoods fall to ruin and it makes us look bad. 

i'm keenly aware of this dividing line.  The grimness of this part of town.  The beautiful grime.

We were dynamic, you and I.  I lost my courage and you drank too much for me.  My jealousy was overwhelming.  I was afraid of you and what you'd do to me. 

I do not welcome dysfunction anymore.  I cannot be with someone or be friends with someone who does not understand that when I draw a line, you must understand and respect that boundary or we cannot have anything to do with each other because essentially, you do not respect me and you do not care about my feelings.  I cannot have that ever again!

I don't really talk to many people.  I have close friends, though.  They're always there for me, always.

Being in an intimate relationship with someone isn't ever easy.  It requires acceptance, acceptance isn't necessarily compromise.  Acceptance looks like the person that you don't wish or want to change in any way.

I always viewed you as a diamond in the rough.  You were beautiful, had some admirable values and some political ideals, you were a reader and mostly a homebody.  You knew how to cook and clean.  You had many admirable surface qualities.  I grew to find you ugly when I realized that under the surface, I didn't receive any emotional support from you.  I didn't feel safe with you.  I didn't feel that I could trust you.

I think I write this to you to convince myself that we never would have worked out.  You never found anything wrong and I saw everything wrong.  I wanted to fix it. 

I think about what if we had a second chance.  All I can think of is you pretending for as long as you can to be what you think I want.  All I can think of is laying down ground rules of what constitutes as cheating and you telling me, fuck rules.

I was defiant with you and so were you.  We were fools

I'm becoming more and more un-enamored with vintage nastalgic aesthetic.  I feel that I'm understanding more and more going towards a cultural aesthetic.  Not in terms of appropriation, but celebration.  I want an aesthetic that is less tied into racist and sexist oppression.

But at the same time, these themes of hyper-femme and hyper-masculinity aesthetic can tie into sexuality as well which I find appealing.  It's complicated for me.

I want to see a futuristic vintage that is about the preservation of the individual.

My vintage is nappy, glasses, often makeupless, mismatched, rolls of fat.  Flat shoes, wrong shoes.  

Tearing ripping up the rules

Depression. When things get bad, I look for ways to get out of it.  Most of the time, I just keep going in spite of it.  Because literally nothing actually works but Prozac and St. Johns Wort.   I've resigned myself to it that it is lIke have a cold in your brain.  You just kind of wait for the sickness to pass or you just work around it as you can.

I do think it holds me back in some ways.  But it also holds me back from other things.  Like being concious about money, food, and alcohol.  I care less for and put less energy into people who are not there for me.

This is a big thing.  As I tend to become a caretaker, giver, emotional support, etc.  My brain is too tired to put much into that.   I'm focused on me and getting through the day.  I'm focused on trying to make enough money, exercise an hour a day, and eat right.

When I start finding ways to not feel tired, zombified, and anxious, the anxiety kicks in and I care about nothing.  Then I self destruct and start inviting the wrong people around.  People that I released from my life.  

It's important to have good boundaries.  Don't volunteer advice that isn't asked for.  Be kind and offer a kind word of support.  Don't get involved with people's problems

Loneliness

The feeling of loneliness is a damp and cold house when the furnace dies.  The anxiousness of pipes freezing.  The stiffness of cold bones.  The tiredness.  Need for warmth.

I am lonely, often.  Instead of attempting to constantly drinking, eat or smoke it away, I go on Facebook and comment on posts.  I go on dating websites and talk to people who are willing; then they go away and never come back.

I'm tired of it all.  It's killing my creativity.  I'm in survival mode.  It's winter.  Trying to keep up with everything that needs fixing or cleaning.

I don't want to be in survival mode.  Social media is what keeps me sane, I guess.  It's what makes me wake up instead of sleeping until its time for work.

I like money.  I like making money.  I don't like work, though

All I want is to get out of this unmotivated and anxious place that I am at right now.  I just want to feel lighter in my mind.

Things

1. Just because I have feelings of guilt does not mean I must act on them.  I have done absolutely nothing wrong but call out some ignorance and have ousted those people from my life.  I have in the past given into these feelings and have regretted it.  Sometimes you must go through discomfort to protect yourself.  That is called boundaries.

2.  I am not responsible for other people's feelings or actions. If someone makes me feel uncomfortable, I have the right to tell them to leave me alone and to take actions to protect myself from them.

3.  I am not responsible for anyone but myself.  I do not owe just anyone my time and energy.  It is my own to do what I wish.  That person needs to be someone that worthy of of it.  Whatever I deal that to be.

4.  I can't be everything to everyone and nor should I be.

5.  No to homophobes, people who use the word "reverse racism" and believe it, transphobes, antifeminists, anti black-brown-muslim-immigrant, anyone who says Social Justice Warrior as a joke.  No, I cannot with you.  I'm not going to argue.  Go away.  Find friends who like the same ignorant things.

6.  People who just want to be obnoxious and just literally do not like anybody no matter your race sexuality etc.  Im a people so fuck off.  Go back to your lonely cave.  I don't care

7.  I'm down with non monogamy as long as it's coming from a place of genuine interest in other people.  As long as you have a healthy view of sex and your own sexuality and it isn't just an unhealthy coping mechanism.  As long as you care about your own health and everyone else's and practice safe sex.  And as long as have sex isn't the primary reason why you are non monogamous.  I totally believe in making connections with as many people as possible on a mind and heart level.  We all need to be able to call on someone when needed.  And honestly all this that I have listed is what I am about.  But I can go either way as long as my emotional and sexual needs are met.

I see the unconcious racist things people say and do.

It's hard not to be on edge around white people because they're often very ignorant of things about race.

Many people are unconciously sexist, homophobic, ableist, and transphobic.

It's really pretty sad to me and I don't want to be around people like that.  The Midwest seems to abound with this.  There are more intellectual people who don't feel the need to go there.  However, they must hide away from the ignorance of this place.

People can be really dissapointing in their short sightedness.  I admit to my own as well in terms of supporting people who have exhibited behavior that I would never do.

I guess I've always felt like I could accept people for who they were as long as they did the same for me.  However, there are lines that must be drawn.  I also can't be accepting of some things that people do that bother me.  There's always a tipping of the iceberg with people that I know.  So in essence, I'm not accepting of certain behaviors, I just try to push that feeling away.  Because they're manipulating me and I accept the manipulation.  But that's pretty toxic and I don't want to be in toxic relationships with people.

I have control over my life.  I don't have to live the way it was when I was a kid with my parents.  People need to be accountable for their actions and I need to be accountable for honoring myself.

I've always been like the mother and taking care of people and their issues.  I'm not a therapist and I can't help you have a better life.  Friendships are the icing to an already good life.  Helping each other is a good thing, but a friendship shouldn't exist on that alone.

And if you're not already woke, we can't be friends.  It won't work, it never has.  There is not friendship there

So as you get older shItty things keep happening in the world to people.  Terrible people kill other people for absolutely no reason except for their own twisted ideations and values even.

That man who killed all those people in Las Vegas.  It's not normal to want to surround yourself with powerful guns like you're going to war.  This obsession with guns and bad guys.  I'm so sick of it!

I try to tell myself that people in othet countries actually experience this on a much more massive level.  Their whole familes sometimes killed before their eyes in war.  

We don't have wars we just buy guns and kill people for no reason except what's in our heads.

Or cops killing black people out of fear and ignorance.

There's always the question of what are the blacks doing about black on black crime.  What the hell are white people doing about white on white crime?

More white men have killed massive amounts of people all at once than any person of color in the US

What does that say?

affection

I realize my capacity to love and to be loved and to give love.  I recognize my capacity to give affection and to receive it.  I recognize that my discomfort comes from if I do not vibe with that person.  If I do not know who you are and I don't feel safe with you.  If you give off a vibe of not wanting to be touched.  I'm very accommodating.  Extremely so but to a point.  If it's not within reason of circumstances eh we have to work it out.  I like new experiences and learning new things.

I'm starting to get really annoyed at work though with my coworkers.  They forget the simplest things. That is very difficult to have to go over it again and again and again.  I'm trying to learn forgiveness. These are all very petty little things that I can do.  I'm just so tired of everything.  I want to go away for awhile.  I'm tired, I'm just really really tired.  I also feel like I cannot escape.  My job is so negative. The negativity around me.  I'm not blaming others, I'm just tired of listening to it.  I'm just really really tired. I need a loooong break.  I need to get away from everyone.  I don't want to do this right now

18 Bullets and One in the Back of the Head

Police shot and killed a Black man in his front yard outside of his home
He tried to rob a bank with a gun.  The story keeps changing.  The gun keeps moving.  The gun may not have even been real.  The family knows the details.  The police don't care.

The man was mentally ill.  He did have a long criminal record of mostly petty crimes.  But, he didn't kill anyone.

Edward Russell, Jr was tried, convicted, and executed outside of the court of law with no judges and no jury of his peers.  It was all outside of his home on the front lawn by police.  And after, by commentators on social media.

If it was their blood, I'm sure it'd be a different story.  We never understand that pain until we go through it.

A man was shot and killed outside of his home by 8 bullets from police officers after he allegedly robbed a bank with a gun.  He then fled home.  His family wanted to intervene.  There are so many stories about this from the media and the police that are conflicting an keep changing.

The cops likely are not telling the whole story and why would they?  They can do whatever they want with little consequence.

We have people on the street who have guns and who's job it is to serve and protect the public.  However, the police do not undergo any training in sensitivity.  There are no body cams.  The police are trained to react.  That is unacceptable.

In my opinion, the criminal justice system is set up to fail EVERYONE.  From the public to the police.  This must not stand.  Something needs to be done to prevent this excessive use of force by police.  But then, what can be done?

#blacklivesmatter #alllivesmatter

I don't know if it's because I'm a queer person who doesn't subscribe to gender roles anymore, or because I know so much about Kink/Bondage Culture; the concept of expected gender roles in general but especially in a relationship, do not make since to me anymore.

In Kink, gender roles are part of sex play. In that play, those roles do not generally cross over into day to day life.  It's a roll one plays to reach sexual gratification.

In the outside world, some people do chose to apply them to themselves because that is what they're comfortable with.

The issue is when gender roles are a part of societal rules in which everyone must be a part of.

People are individuals and people have to be who they feel most comfortable being.

I like to play with gender.  I also view clothing as just interesting cloth in which we hide our nakedness as well as communicate/express ourselves.  I feel the same with makeup or what I like to call face paint.  It's art.  We make ourselves into art.  We make ourselves attractive to other humans or to even repel other humans.

I've always fantasized about my perfect relationship

It changed from what it was which I'll talk about another time

My now perfect relationship is me and another woman, mutually supporting eachother in our endeavors and sharing life together as EQUALS.  Working through our ups and downs being kind and respectful of each other and ourselves.  Knowing what is deserved and required of us.  Knowing that being upset is okay as long as we are moving toward something better for us as a whole or individually.

I do miss her.  Im not as broken up about us as I am about the previous one before her. I wish things could have worked out between her and I.

#samesex #relationships #love

I've have always been accustomed to being miserable and to being with miserable people

My parents gave us a miserable life that was full of their mutual misery toward each other and toward the world

Maybe it's time to leave Peoria and not be miserable anymore.  Maybe it's time to just leave and be miserable somewhere else

I don't know.  I just desire something different and to also feel better.  Maybe I need to get back on my anti depressants again.

The END

2 years ago, I left a miserable relationship.  I'm glad we are done.  I'm still very very angry about it, though.  I guess what makes me angry is the fact that I stayed in such a miserable situation for 7 fucking years!!  For a year of that relationship, I moved to California and then Oregon and lived for a year.  I left them behind in MY house.  

I left because they didn't care.  Our life was one of their constantly unhappy or wooden mood. Constant need to keep everything a certain way.  Obsession with whatever political issue or hobby.  Me?  I got what was left over and what was left over was often not in a good place.

I believed in sacrifice.  I thought I was doing good for someone, being there for them and their issues.  I would get my support from friends.  But i was unhappy and I always talked to my friends about how unhappy I was with my relationship.  I felt that if I could talk about my feelings with then I could come home and I could give my all and be enough.  

Sometimes, you're not enough and it's time to go.  So I left and I though that maybe they would change. I thought that if I allowed them to date other people, maybe they'd learn to be better to me.

Instead I came home to someone completely in denial of their feelings toward me and the other person. I came home to someone who drank more, was hungover more, and still all of the other shit on top of that.  I was done and it was done and we were done.  To many drunken angry nights.  

Someone said my first love broke my heart.  I guess that's true.  It happened a second time and i didn't really care to much.  I did as much as I could to get over them and I did.  But we were not together for that long.

7 years is a lot of shit to undo

I also didn't have someone on the side that I could get with (rebound) after.  

I am not a victim, no

I don't know, I guess I'm just hurt, angry, and disgusted

I remember you admitting that you treated me terribly

I don't know what making amends would be

I just want to stop being in pain

#broken #relationships #anniversary #longterm #anger #sadness #brokenhearts #movingon

Grandpa was a Minister
A playwrite
A teacher
An inventor
A counselor
And an entrepreneur

He had tons of diaries and writings

My name appeared in many of them I heard

Christians strive for their names to to be written in the Book of  Life

I feel blessed to have been written in The Book of Life of James Clifford Offutt, Sr

To have been thought of by someone living and breathing.  Someone who touched so many lives, that is more than anything to me than any thing supernatural

I see you there at my favorite place

Must be your favorite too

This might be the first time I don't make an attempt to say hello

Honestly

Im interested in you more than just friends

And I feel that I need to stop being friendly

Your S.O., nice person

not interesting

though to me

With you there is them

I just want you and that is all....
I look and you're gone

There's no way that I am going to lose weight if I don't stop eating.  Like it gets cold and my body is like, put on more fat!!!

But goddammit body!  You have enough fucking fat!!!  To much!!!

I'm seriously ready to be done with all of this extra weight

Like I don't care about being skinny because I definitely don't want that

I just want a smaller stomach and thighs

And, I don't know maybe my asthma will be in control. Not that it's out of control, but I don't want it to ever get worse.

Apparently if you think Peoria is awful, you're awful as well. 

Peoria does have an awfulness that I like.  It has a lot to improve on. It's very slow in its improvements.  However, it is slowly improving.  

I've had to find things that I like to do.  I like art and nature.  I also like food, but, I can always make food.  I like a variety of humans.  

I've found these things in Peoria.  

I once found love here.  It lasted 7 years then it was gone.  But I was quite unhappy during those years.  I found it was mainly the company that I kept.

I'm competitive and a hard working person. I find that I hit against a very take it easy nature in this town.  Very apathetic.  Someone with drive can make things happen here.  However, it's hard to find others with the same drive and you begin to burn yourself out.

I want to contribute to making Peoria more interesting.

I don't have a lot of time.  I work full time and strange hours.  However, I am an artist, writer, and musician.  Promoting myself and all that I create is one way of making Peoria better.

Everyone being their own creative selves have contributed to making Peoria more interesting.

Find something you like to do and go and do it.

I'm interested in those like me.  The reachers and strivers.

The ones who try to better themselves as much as possible.  

However, we're always on tight schedules and don't have time for each other.    

No you can't come to my house when I don't even know you in person.  

Just keep fucking moving along.  

I'm sure you'll find that person that stops you in your tracks; makes you decide that maybe you will cancel that thing you were going to do because maybe you just want to see what happens to this person you might be in love with.

Instead of attempting to make plans for quickies

Abuse

These last couple of weeks have been a learning experience.  They have brought up a lot of terrible memories and feelings.

In the end, I am tired of accommodating the abuse of my good nature.  I get paid to take a lot of abuse.  I will not take it in my personal life anymore.  This is not okay and it will not happen again.  Cutting people out of one's life, sometimes is necissary; if they feel entitled to treat you in a disrespectful manner.

I am not a therapist.  Get some help

Papaw Dreaming

This has been an incredibly difficult week.  Couple of weeks.  It's also been a learning experience.

I spent 3 days with my grandpa while his health declined and he was getting nearER and nearer to passing.  He did the day after o left.  Well, really he passed on Tuesday.   It makes me cry when I remember him passing.

When people die, it isn't just all of the sudden they're dead.  Death is as individual as we all are.  Death and life are entertwined.  Death is a dream that you never leave.  Life is lead individually and life is colored by each persons brain chemicals which are influenced by many things.  We all live in some kind of dream state.

Well, I knew my Papaw was leaving us and I knew when he did.  It was terrible and beautiful.  Then he never work up and his breathing became slower and slower.

I think he also gave me a Cold before he left.

To Suffer But Not To Suffer - draft from 2009

Always doing things the hard way
To prefer simplicity over luxury
To be hungry and broke
But full of love
Does this make you a saint?
You choose to suffer?

Did You Ever Wonder? Draft from 5/29/09

I've never written a proper introduction as to who I am, if you care...
I am from Peoria, born and raised.  The oldest of ten children.  I didn't go to public school, I was home schooled or home educated as my mother would say.  My parents wanted to be in control of our education.

Strangness of things...Draft from 5-17-09

I was reading a friends blog and found out someone I had met had died last year...I started crying, it was so disturbing...he was 26...died at home...

I looked up his obituary, he seemed kind of sad in the picture...

When I met him, he was

Life - 08/2009

I was going through old drafts:

Everyday it seems has been an adventure for me. I've hung out with at least one or two or a group of people that I knew but didn't know very well. I have often been afraid to really get to know people

I decided to start this blog back up.  I usually post into the void on Twitter.  I avoid posting anything of my mind so on Facebook.  Sometimes I do on Instagram. Snapchat makes for good verbal diarrhea.

I feel that I have quite a bit to say.  I also want to gain a wider audience.  I'd like to practice writing more.

I don't think I'm very good at writing.  I'm not sure what makes a good writer.  I didn't take literate in college.  You might say one does not need to take a college class on interpreting literature, however, my brain works better when I am given tools and how to use them. 

I used to read a lot of Chris Hedges and I got to the point of being able to write like him. I think his writing voice appealed to me.  He refers to mythology and of course non-violent activists in a lot of his writings. Regardless of the controversy surrounding him which I in no way mitigate, I did enjoy his writings.

When writing, one has to find their voice. That is something I want to find.

I've been reading Go Tell It On The Mountain by James Baldwin.  I finished Giovanni's Room prior.  

Giovanni's Room had a smooth fast rhythm the chapter in.  Then it starts to kind of lose rhythm.  But it is a very emotionally charged and heart wrenching story.  It seriously affected me reading it.  I had to put it down often.  It took me a couple of months to finish.  There was so much to take in.  I didn't want it to end.  I like stories that touch you to your core to the point of needing to back off from it.  Stories about relationships do that to me.  

Go Tell it On The Mountain is moreso James Baldwin's voice when talking live.  It is very choppy and it is as a declaration or coming of declarations and revelations.  James Baldwin, I do feel his writing was before his time.  I can't imagine being a Black Gay Man in the time of Segregation.  He had a drive to write and educate on civil rights.  He was a bright shining star of African Americans.

Being a talented African American, that is a post I'd like to hit on later.