affection

I realize my capacity to love and to be loved and to give love.  I recognize my capacity to give affection and to receive it.  I recognize that my discomfort comes from if I do not vibe with that person.  If I do not know who you are and I don't feel safe with you.  If you give off a vibe of not wanting to be touched.  I'm very accommodating.  Extremely so but to a point.  If it's not within reason of circumstances eh we have to work it out.  I like new experiences and learning new things.

I'm starting to get really annoyed at work though with my coworkers.  They forget the simplest things. That is very difficult to have to go over it again and again and again.  I'm trying to learn forgiveness. These are all very petty little things that I can do.  I'm just so tired of everything.  I want to go away for awhile.  I'm tired, I'm just really really tired.  I also feel like I cannot escape.  My job is so negative. The negativity around me.  I'm not blaming others, I'm just tired of listening to it.  I'm just really really tired. I need a loooong break.  I need to get away from everyone.  I don't want to do this right now

18 Bullets and One in the Back of the Head

Police shot and killed a Black man in his front yard outside of his home
He tried to rob a bank with a gun.  The story keeps changing.  The gun keeps moving.  The gun may not have even been real.  The family knows the details.  The police don't care.

The man was mentally ill.  He did have a long criminal record of mostly petty crimes.  But, he didn't kill anyone.

Edward Russell, Jr was tried, convicted, and executed outside of the court of law with no judges and no jury of his peers.  It was all outside of his home on the front lawn by police.  And after, by commentators on social media.

If it was their blood, I'm sure it'd be a different story.  We never understand that pain until we go through it.

A man was shot and killed outside of his home by 8 bullets from police officers after he allegedly robbed a bank with a gun.  He then fled home.  His family wanted to intervene.  There are so many stories about this from the media and the police that are conflicting an keep changing.

The cops likely are not telling the whole story and why would they?  They can do whatever they want with little consequence.

We have people on the street who have guns and who's job it is to serve and protect the public.  However, the police do not undergo any training in sensitivity.  There are no body cams.  The police are trained to react.  That is unacceptable.

In my opinion, the criminal justice system is set up to fail EVERYONE.  From the public to the police.  This must not stand.  Something needs to be done to prevent this excessive use of force by police.  But then, what can be done?

#blacklivesmatter #alllivesmatter

I don't know if it's because I'm a queer person who doesn't subscribe to gender roles anymore, or because I know so much about Kink/Bondage Culture; the concept of expected gender roles in general but especially in a relationship, do not make since to me anymore.

In Kink, gender roles are part of sex play. In that play, those roles do not generally cross over into day to day life.  It's a roll one plays to reach sexual gratification.

In the outside world, some people do chose to apply them to themselves because that is what they're comfortable with.

The issue is when gender roles are a part of societal rules in which everyone must be a part of.

People are individuals and people have to be who they feel most comfortable being.

I like to play with gender.  I also view clothing as just interesting cloth in which we hide our nakedness as well as communicate/express ourselves.  I feel the same with makeup or what I like to call face paint.  It's art.  We make ourselves into art.  We make ourselves attractive to other humans or to even repel other humans.

I've always fantasized about my perfect relationship

It changed from what it was which I'll talk about another time

My now perfect relationship is me and another woman, mutually supporting eachother in our endeavors and sharing life together as EQUALS.  Working through our ups and downs being kind and respectful of each other and ourselves.  Knowing what is deserved and required of us.  Knowing that being upset is okay as long as we are moving toward something better for us as a whole or individually.

I do miss her.  Im not as broken up about us as I am about the previous one before her. I wish things could have worked out between her and I.

#samesex #relationships #love

I've have always been accustomed to being miserable and to being with miserable people

My parents gave us a miserable life that was full of their mutual misery toward each other and toward the world

Maybe it's time to leave Peoria and not be miserable anymore.  Maybe it's time to just leave and be miserable somewhere else

I don't know.  I just desire something different and to also feel better.  Maybe I need to get back on my anti depressants again.

The END

2 years ago, I left a miserable relationship.  I'm glad we are done.  I'm still very very angry about it, though.  I guess what makes me angry is the fact that I stayed in such a miserable situation for 7 fucking years!!  For a year of that relationship, I moved to California and then Oregon and lived for a year.  I left them behind in MY house.  

I left because they didn't care.  Our life was one of their constantly unhappy or wooden mood. Constant need to keep everything a certain way.  Obsession with whatever political issue or hobby.  Me?  I got what was left over and what was left over was often not in a good place.

I believed in sacrifice.  I thought I was doing good for someone, being there for them and their issues.  I would get my support from friends.  But i was unhappy and I always talked to my friends about how unhappy I was with my relationship.  I felt that if I could talk about my feelings with then I could come home and I could give my all and be enough.  

Sometimes, you're not enough and it's time to go.  So I left and I though that maybe they would change. I thought that if I allowed them to date other people, maybe they'd learn to be better to me.

Instead I came home to someone completely in denial of their feelings toward me and the other person. I came home to someone who drank more, was hungover more, and still all of the other shit on top of that.  I was done and it was done and we were done.  To many drunken angry nights.  

Someone said my first love broke my heart.  I guess that's true.  It happened a second time and i didn't really care to much.  I did as much as I could to get over them and I did.  But we were not together for that long.

7 years is a lot of shit to undo

I also didn't have someone on the side that I could get with (rebound) after.  

I am not a victim, no

I don't know, I guess I'm just hurt, angry, and disgusted

I remember you admitting that you treated me terribly

I don't know what making amends would be

I just want to stop being in pain

#broken #relationships #anniversary #longterm #anger #sadness #brokenhearts #movingon

Grandpa was a Minister
A playwrite
A teacher
An inventor
A counselor
And an entrepreneur

He had tons of diaries and writings

My name appeared in many of them I heard

Christians strive for their names to to be written in the Book of  Life

I feel blessed to have been written in The Book of Life of James Clifford Offutt, Sr

To have been thought of by someone living and breathing.  Someone who touched so many lives, that is more than anything to me than any thing supernatural

I see you there at my favorite place

Must be your favorite too

This might be the first time I don't make an attempt to say hello

Honestly

Im interested in you more than just friends

And I feel that I need to stop being friendly

Your S.O., nice person

not interesting

though to me

With you there is them

I just want you and that is all....
I look and you're gone

There's no way that I am going to lose weight if I don't stop eating.  Like it gets cold and my body is like, put on more fat!!!

But goddammit body!  You have enough fucking fat!!!  To much!!!

I'm seriously ready to be done with all of this extra weight

Like I don't care about being skinny because I definitely don't want that

I just want a smaller stomach and thighs

And, I don't know maybe my asthma will be in control. Not that it's out of control, but I don't want it to ever get worse.

Apparently if you think Peoria is awful, you're awful as well. 

Peoria does have an awfulness that I like.  It has a lot to improve on. It's very slow in its improvements.  However, it is slowly improving.  

I've had to find things that I like to do.  I like art and nature.  I also like food, but, I can always make food.  I like a variety of humans.  

I've found these things in Peoria.  

I once found love here.  It lasted 7 years then it was gone.  But I was quite unhappy during those years.  I found it was mainly the company that I kept.

I'm competitive and a hard working person. I find that I hit against a very take it easy nature in this town.  Very apathetic.  Someone with drive can make things happen here.  However, it's hard to find others with the same drive and you begin to burn yourself out.

I want to contribute to making Peoria more interesting.

I don't have a lot of time.  I work full time and strange hours.  However, I am an artist, writer, and musician.  Promoting myself and all that I create is one way of making Peoria better.

Everyone being their own creative selves have contributed to making Peoria more interesting.

Find something you like to do and go and do it.

I'm interested in those like me.  The reachers and strivers.

The ones who try to better themselves as much as possible.  

However, we're always on tight schedules and don't have time for each other.    

No you can't come to my house when I don't even know you in person.  

Just keep fucking moving along.  

I'm sure you'll find that person that stops you in your tracks; makes you decide that maybe you will cancel that thing you were going to do because maybe you just want to see what happens to this person you might be in love with.

Instead of attempting to make plans for quickies

Abuse

These last couple of weeks have been a learning experience.  They have brought up a lot of terrible memories and feelings.

In the end, I am tired of accommodating the abuse of my good nature.  I get paid to take a lot of abuse.  I will not take it in my personal life anymore.  This is not okay and it will not happen again.  Cutting people out of one's life, sometimes is necissary; if they feel entitled to treat you in a disrespectful manner.

I am not a therapist.  Get some help

Papaw Dreaming

This has been an incredibly difficult week.  Couple of weeks.  It's also been a learning experience.

I spent 3 days with my grandpa while his health declined and he was getting nearER and nearer to passing.  He did the day after o left.  Well, really he passed on Tuesday.   It makes me cry when I remember him passing.

When people die, it isn't just all of the sudden they're dead.  Death is as individual as we all are.  Death and life are entertwined.  Death is a dream that you never leave.  Life is lead individually and life is colored by each persons brain chemicals which are influenced by many things.  We all live in some kind of dream state.

Well, I knew my Papaw was leaving us and I knew when he did.  It was terrible and beautiful.  Then he never work up and his breathing became slower and slower.

I think he also gave me a Cold before he left.