How Many Ways Can I Fit To Make You See Me

I'm starting a series of art.  It's naked female forms of women as various things.  I'm thinking I could expand upon this.  Women are often viewed as objects.  But everyone is often viewed as such.  People can view other people as a means to and end.  That is not a good feeling if you never consented to that and instead one day you wake up realize that you have been that to someone.

We can also be that and having decided that that is what we are worth.  It can be due to a toxic way of being.  We can't be everything to everyone nor should we. 

If our needs are not being met after we have said what they are and have been honest to ourselves about what they are, then we have to someone who meets them.

From The Desk Of

I don't know why I'm writing to you.  Yeah, I do.  I've become greatly self aware of my own actions.  I don't know what happened.  Maybe it has been the therapy sessions that have finally clicked.  Yeah, I'm still in therapy from time to time.

I've taken up mediation.  It really works, sitting and seeing all of these things in my mind.

I got robbed in early October.  I can't believe it happened still, but slowly I'm understanding why it happens.  I'm slowly starting to feel less afraid of the dark.  I still love my neighborhood.  Though, after someone shattered my windshield, I'm starting to feel like some kind of numbness to it all. 

I moved here because I got inspired by Crimethinc and basically I would call it gentrification now.  But these punk kids would squat or buy some old run down building and make a commune.  I wanted that.  But now I just see myself as everyone else in this neighborhood; the working poor.  There's no nobility in any of this.  This is just life.  We're living in the cast off neighborhoods of the White Flight.  Beautiful homes, but not a damned penny to be able to fix them.  Then our neighborhoods fall to ruin and it makes us look bad. 

i'm keenly aware of this dividing line.  The grimness of this part of town.  The beautiful grime.

We were dynamic, you and I.  I lost my courage and you drank too much for me.  My jealousy was overwhelming.  I was afraid of you and what you'd do to me. 

I do not welcome dysfunction anymore.  I cannot be with someone or be friends with someone who does not understand that when I draw a line, you must understand and respect that boundary or we cannot have anything to do with each other because essentially, you do not respect me and you do not care about my feelings.  I cannot have that ever again!

I don't really talk to many people.  I have close friends, though.  They're always there for me, always.

Being in an intimate relationship with someone isn't ever easy.  It requires acceptance, acceptance isn't necessarily compromise.  Acceptance looks like the person that you don't wish or want to change in any way.

I always viewed you as a diamond in the rough.  You were beautiful, had some admirable values and some political ideals, you were a reader and mostly a homebody.  You knew how to cook and clean.  You had many admirable surface qualities.  I grew to find you ugly when I realized that under the surface, I didn't receive any emotional support from you.  I didn't feel safe with you.  I didn't feel that I could trust you.

I think I write this to you to convince myself that we never would have worked out.  You never found anything wrong and I saw everything wrong.  I wanted to fix it. 

I think about what if we had a second chance.  All I can think of is you pretending for as long as you can to be what you think I want.  All I can think of is laying down ground rules of what constitutes as cheating and you telling me, fuck rules.

I was defiant with you and so were you.  We were fools

I'm becoming more and more un-enamored with vintage nastalgic aesthetic.  I feel that I'm understanding more and more going towards a cultural aesthetic.  Not in terms of appropriation, but celebration.  I want an aesthetic that is less tied into racist and sexist oppression.

But at the same time, these themes of hyper-femme and hyper-masculinity aesthetic can tie into sexuality as well which I find appealing.  It's complicated for me.

I want to see a futuristic vintage that is about the preservation of the individual.

My vintage is nappy, glasses, often makeupless, mismatched, rolls of fat.  Flat shoes, wrong shoes.  

Tearing ripping up the rules

Depression. When things get bad, I look for ways to get out of it.  Most of the time, I just keep going in spite of it.  Because literally nothing actually works but Prozac and St. Johns Wort.   I've resigned myself to it that it is lIke have a cold in your brain.  You just kind of wait for the sickness to pass or you just work around it as you can.

I do think it holds me back in some ways.  But it also holds me back from other things.  Like being concious about money, food, and alcohol.  I care less for and put less energy into people who are not there for me.

This is a big thing.  As I tend to become a caretaker, giver, emotional support, etc.  My brain is too tired to put much into that.   I'm focused on me and getting through the day.  I'm focused on trying to make enough money, exercise an hour a day, and eat right.

When I start finding ways to not feel tired, zombified, and anxious, the anxiety kicks in and I care about nothing.  Then I self destruct and start inviting the wrong people around.  People that I released from my life.  

It's important to have good boundaries.  Don't volunteer advice that isn't asked for.  Be kind and offer a kind word of support.  Don't get involved with people's problems

Loneliness

The feeling of loneliness is a damp and cold house when the furnace dies.  The anxiousness of pipes freezing.  The stiffness of cold bones.  The tiredness.  Need for warmth.

I am lonely, often.  Instead of attempting to constantly drinking, eat or smoke it away, I go on Facebook and comment on posts.  I go on dating websites and talk to people who are willing; then they go away and never come back.

I'm tired of it all.  It's killing my creativity.  I'm in survival mode.  It's winter.  Trying to keep up with everything that needs fixing or cleaning.

I don't want to be in survival mode.  Social media is what keeps me sane, I guess.  It's what makes me wake up instead of sleeping until its time for work.

I like money.  I like making money.  I don't like work, though

All I want is to get out of this unmotivated and anxious place that I am at right now.  I just want to feel lighter in my mind.

Things

1. Just because I have feelings of guilt does not mean I must act on them.  I have done absolutely nothing wrong but call out some ignorance and have ousted those people from my life.  I have in the past given into these feelings and have regretted it.  Sometimes you must go through discomfort to protect yourself.  That is called boundaries.

2.  I am not responsible for other people's feelings or actions. If someone makes me feel uncomfortable, I have the right to tell them to leave me alone and to take actions to protect myself from them.

3.  I am not responsible for anyone but myself.  I do not owe just anyone my time and energy.  It is my own to do what I wish.  That person needs to be someone that worthy of of it.  Whatever I deal that to be.

4.  I can't be everything to everyone and nor should I be.

5.  No to homophobes, people who use the word "reverse racism" and believe it, transphobes, antifeminists, anti black-brown-muslim-immigrant, anyone who says Social Justice Warrior as a joke.  No, I cannot with you.  I'm not going to argue.  Go away.  Find friends who like the same ignorant things.

6.  People who just want to be obnoxious and just literally do not like anybody no matter your race sexuality etc.  Im a people so fuck off.  Go back to your lonely cave.  I don't care

7.  I'm down with non monogamy as long as it's coming from a place of genuine interest in other people.  As long as you have a healthy view of sex and your own sexuality and it isn't just an unhealthy coping mechanism.  As long as you care about your own health and everyone else's and practice safe sex.  And as long as have sex isn't the primary reason why you are non monogamous.  I totally believe in making connections with as many people as possible on a mind and heart level.  We all need to be able to call on someone when needed.  And honestly all this that I have listed is what I am about.  But I can go either way as long as my emotional and sexual needs are met.