From The Desk Of

I don't know why I'm writing to you.  Yeah, I do.  I've become greatly self aware of my own actions.  I don't know what happened.  Maybe it has been the therapy sessions that have finally clicked.  Yeah, I'm still in therapy from time to time.

I've taken up mediation.  It really works, sitting and seeing all of these things in my mind.

I got robbed in early October.  I can't believe it happened still, but slowly I'm understanding why it happens.  I'm slowly starting to feel less afraid of the dark.  I still love my neighborhood.  Though, after someone shattered my windshield, I'm starting to feel like some kind of numbness to it all. 

I moved here because I got inspired by Crimethinc and basically I would call it gentrification now.  But these punk kids would squat or buy some old run down building and make a commune.  I wanted that.  But now I just see myself as everyone else in this neighborhood; the working poor.  There's no nobility in any of this.  This is just life.  We're living in the cast off neighborhoods of the White Flight.  Beautiful homes, but not a damned penny to be able to fix them.  Then our neighborhoods fall to ruin and it makes us look bad. 

i'm keenly aware of this dividing line.  The grimness of this part of town.  The beautiful grime.

We were dynamic, you and I.  I lost my courage and you drank too much for me.  My jealousy was overwhelming.  I was afraid of you and what you'd do to me. 

I do not welcome dysfunction anymore.  I cannot be with someone or be friends with someone who does not understand that when I draw a line, you must understand and respect that boundary or we cannot have anything to do with each other because essentially, you do not respect me and you do not care about my feelings.  I cannot have that ever again!

I don't really talk to many people.  I have close friends, though.  They're always there for me, always.

Being in an intimate relationship with someone isn't ever easy.  It requires acceptance, acceptance isn't necessarily compromise.  Acceptance looks like the person that you don't wish or want to change in any way.

I always viewed you as a diamond in the rough.  You were beautiful, had some admirable values and some political ideals, you were a reader and mostly a homebody.  You knew how to cook and clean.  You had many admirable surface qualities.  I grew to find you ugly when I realized that under the surface, I didn't receive any emotional support from you.  I didn't feel safe with you.  I didn't feel that I could trust you.

I think I write this to you to convince myself that we never would have worked out.  You never found anything wrong and I saw everything wrong.  I wanted to fix it. 

I think about what if we had a second chance.  All I can think of is you pretending for as long as you can to be what you think I want.  All I can think of is laying down ground rules of what constitutes as cheating and you telling me, fuck rules.

I was defiant with you and so were you.  We were fools